The Assistants Tell All
As a quick refresher, Dylan and Lissa are both Patrick’s assistants because he’s so extra. They were first introduced in The Cornerstone. Dylan shares an apartment with a teacher from Lauren’s school, Jaime.
Lissa: Watching these conversations is kind of like that scene from The Office where Kevin is talking about how he makes chili and it’s a whole thing but then he spills chili everywhere and tries to scoop it back into the pot with file folders
Dylan: Watching conversations like these is like being the only sober person while everyone’s crying in a club bathroom at 1 a.m.
Lissa: Watching conversations like these is like the first day of warm weather when everyone opens their windows and you get to hear everything your neighbors say to each other
Dylan: Watching these conversations is like being nine years old and having dinner at a friend’s house only for the parents to start arguing at the table and no one knows where to put their eyes
Lissa: Not that bad! No! They’re not “daddy hit mommy at the dinner table and we’re all trying to eat” bad!
Dylan: Your unresolved childhood trauma is showing again. I said nothing about daddy hitting mommy. You inferred that. All I’m talking about is when the parents would yammer about someone putting the ketchup in the cupboard instead of the fridge because doesn’t he know she likes it cold rather than room temp? If he’d only pay attention to her preferences for one time in 17 years, he’d know how she liked her ketchup.
Lissa: ….because if doesn’t know how she likes her condiments, he definitely doesn’t know how she likes to get dicked down.
Dylan: I hate that I’ve picked up the phrase dicked down from you. It’s such a graphic phrase. I can’t help but visualize.
Lissa: That’s why it’s so good
Dylan: I’m holding on to this voicemail from the Castavechia’s for a day or two. The power couple doesn’t need to know they want to add a pool house today.
Lissa: That’s smart. We don’t need Patrick kicking any printers at their apartment.
Dylan: At least we’re not the ones who’d have to fix his newest victim.
Lissa: Oh but we would be. We’d be busy arranging delivery for yet another device or finding an urgent care clinic taking patients during a pandemic because he broke his foot in the process
Dylan: oh my GOD they’re still going back and forth. I have to turn off my notifications until this thread ends which won’t happen because this is their bread and butter. My phone is like a strobe light right now.
Lissa: Do you think they have side texts or email chains going while they do this?
Dylan: For sure. Andy and Sam. Matt and Riley. Shannon and everyone.
Lissa: it’s going to be weird working from home for…who even knows how long. The idea of working from my bed is nice in theory but I already miss my desk chair. There’s no underestimating good ergonomic support.
Dylan: I’ve been sitting on the floor and using the coffee table as a desk. It is not great. My ass might have plenty of cushion but my hips are like “excuse me, ma’am, this isn’t kindergarten”
Lissa: How are your roommates handling this?
Dylan: Leila and I are sharing the coffee table and we’re happy we’re not so essential we have to go into work but essential to not be laid off. Jaime is teaching first grade from her bedroom and being angry she can’t see any of her FWBs. That hell statement sums up her life. What about you and Dylan the Boyfriend?
Lissa: As I’ve said before, I don’t have roommates. Boyfriend Dylan’s parents are like AirBnB guests who won’t leave. It’s extremely unfair this virus hit at the exact time they were supposed to move on down to Florida and we were supposed to have the house to ourselves.
Dylan: Are they behaving?
Lissa: Hardly. Dyl’s mother told me I was overreacting and being dramatic when I said she couldn’t host her book club meeting in person. Apparently the governor said NOTHING about book clubs. His dad didn’t see why church services had to be canceled. Here I am, hiding their keys and unplugging the garage door open and using myself as a human shield at the doors because Dyl is out there fixing electrical lines day and freaking night because people can’t be without power right now and doesn’t have time to deal with this.
Dylan: Wow you are totally being dramatic.
Dylan: Kidding. Of course.
Lissa: How are you doing without flirting with the coffee guy three times a day?
Dylan: He’s posting live videos on Instagram of him making coffee at home so I get to make cute comments about his milk designs.
Lissa: That sounds a little dirty.
Dylan: ::shrugs:: What can I say?
Lissa: No one has replied to the thread in a few minutes. Do you think Shannon ordered a ceasefire?
Dylan: Yes. I sure do.
Lissa: Do you think Sam will get his way? No Zooms?
Dylan: No way in hell. Just because he asked, Daddy will mandate it.
Lissa: Maybe they’ll let us watch
Dylan: Girl. That sounded so perverse.
Lissa: ::shrugs:: You’re the one who calls him Daddy.
Read the book
